


upon us all a little rain must fall

by holdenscoffee (spacebarista)



Category: The Expanse (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Introspection, Post-Season/Series 04
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:42:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22271257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacebarista/pseuds/holdenscoffee
Summary: "What does rain taste like?""I never thought about it."Jim Holden used to love the rain.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 34





	upon us all a little rain must fall

**Author's Note:**

> I started this like three years ago and then Holden confirmed he loved the rain in "New Terra" so I decided to finally finish it.
> 
> Spoilers for the end of Season 4, very minor sexual reference Holden makes about Naomi that you can take however you want, you know the drill.

_“What does rain taste like?”_

_“I never thought about it.”_

Jimmy Holden loved when it rained. He squealed with glee running out into downpours with Rufus, chasing the family dog through the mud and puddles under the watchful eyes of Mother Elise. He’d turn his small, round face to the sky, let his hood fall down to catch droplets on his face. Rufus would push at him and Elise would call for him. But he’d hold still. He’d stick his tongue out to taste the free falling water.

He’d never consider a difference.

Jim Holden hated working in the rain. Getting the animals to shelter, the tools in their various sheds, the sandbags down where needed to avoid flooding. It was a pain. It was a pain to deal with all of it while getting told off by Father Tom for taking too long. It was fucking muddy. What did he want? For Jim to suddenly skate above it like he was on ice? Sure, he still loved the rain as a concept. Still loved watching storms. But not while working. Maybe on the porch or in a tent or curled up by the fire with a book and a hot drink. He’d rather be baking with Mother Elise, playing games with Father Dimitri, or watching the entertainment feeds with Mama Sophie. But there’s work to be done. There’s always work to be done. Endless as the skies emptying out above him. He’d turn his face up to substitute cold rain for the water he’d already finished.

He’d never care if there was a difference.

Dishonorably discharged Lieutenant James Holden was grateful for the rain. He could see the shapes of Mother Elise and Mother Tamara waiting for him by the gate as he trudged up the long, muddy road to the farm. But the driving rain allowed him to take his time. He wasn’t ready to face his family. They knew. They all knew. But he’d only told Elise. And he hadn’t looked her in the eye when he called. She’d wanted him to be free, to forge his own path. He’d fucked it all up. Came limping back to the collective with a disgraced name, no prospects, and just a splint for his still-healing hand to show for it. He still wasn’t sure it was the wrong thing to do, not firing on the Belter ship. Maybe trying to punch his CO _was_. He didn’t know what he would do next. At least he was home. At least he could rest for a minute, lick his wounds. He turned his face to the sky, let the rain fall on it. It mingled with the tears he had felt itching in the corners of his eyes.

No one would know the difference.

Jim Holden didn’t think about the rain. He had a shuttle to Luna to catch. He’d left the ranch later than intended; each one of his parents had wanted to cram as much life advice into their goodbyes as possible. The decision to leave again had been hard enough to make. To leave his beloved parents to deal with the ranch and the legalities without their only son, _again_ … it left a bad taste in his mouth. He’d wanted to be out of there as quickly as he could, like ripping off a band-aid. Instead he’d bitten at the inside of his cheek to keep from crying and nodded his way to the door. As his shuttle lifted off, burning hard for Luna—and the only officer position he could ever hold again after his discharge—he imagined the clouds falling beneath him, envisioned rising above the rain.

He feared he’d forget the difference.

Third Officer Jim Holden forgot the rain. His ship took ice from Saturn to Ceres and back again. Over and over. Months and months. He saw rationed water, recycled water, water used for food, water used for coffee, water used for alcohol. If water fell, it was a broken pipe on the _Cant_ that he had to call Naomi Nagata for. Or something busted in the poorer parts of Ceres that he had to drag multiple Pur ‘N Kleen employees from to get back in time for their next trip. It was just water. Never rain. Never from a sky.

Was that the difference?

Captain James Holden hadn’t thought about rain at all until Miller lamented never knowing its taste. After he’d said it, dying in the elevator, hoping rescue was still near, it stuck with Holden. For months more, years. After Miller’s death. After his own near misses. Through crisis after crisis. _What does rain taste like_? Would he ever get to taste it again? Would he even _care_ to? There were new tastes for him to savor, tastes he preferred. The taste of the _Roci’s_ coffee, of Alex’s cooking, Amos’s booze, Naomi’s… well. Naomi. Space became home. The _Roci_ and the crew. Rain didn’t factor into space so rain didn’t factor into his life. Until Miller. Suddenly… he was thinking about it again.

_“I wonder what that rain tastes like.”_

Jim Holden used to love the rain, when it surrounded him. But his surroundings changed and he changed but he never really forgot, did he? So when it’s time to say goodbye to Miller, finally, for the last time, Holden races to think of what to say, how to say goodbye without saying goodbye. Thank you, without a thank you. Holden remembers his question, his musing.

“Water.” Even Miller looks confused. Fair enough. Until he recognizes what this dumb Earther is saying. And Holden smiles, just a little. “Rain is just water. Doesn’t really taste like anything.”

He would come to regret ending it there. Because he didn’t think it was _really_ his last goodbye at the time. Forgot Murtry in all of it. But later, thinking of what to say at Naomi’s prompting, even if Miller couldn’t hear him anymore… he was grateful. Yeah, this is his home now, for sure, knowing what he knows about Naomi. Yeah, he may never taste Earth’s rains again. Yeah, he might miss it. Maybe.

But briefly… he remembered it. Remembered the rain and a Holden he left behind years ago to become the man he had to be. The man his family, both old and new, loved. Remembered the rain that so defined his way of life on Earth. And thought of it fondly not only because it was held so close in his memory.

But because it would also remind him of his friend.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please consider leaving a review or a kudos!


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